I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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