I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
