he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just cropdusted the office
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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