john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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