Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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