I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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