I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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