Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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