if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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