I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
