the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
