The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
