Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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