i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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