I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Ladies don't puke and tell
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
