I skipped work to stalk him.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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