I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
