she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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