We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
