he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
