her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
