I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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