Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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