I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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