I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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