I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Welp...herpes.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
