I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
