He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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