ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
