he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
