So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
