im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
