i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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