she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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