two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
