overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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