he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
