So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
