life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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