Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He kissed a someone with a penis
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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