My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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