i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
