hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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