A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
