New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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