i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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