So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
