Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
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