I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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