Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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